sad cat
My Goals for this website:
Chuu's Day (≧▽≦) (tw: venting and other things you know)
05.12.22: My class is doing a big trip to a foreign country so that we practice speaking in other languages. The thing is that we are going to be put in guest families always with two people from our class. And since I just recently came to that new school i know nobody... and they kinda don't like me. I'm always so stupid lonely I can't be in any friend group. Also in my class there are 90% just boys....... and I don't like them and they also don't like me. I don't want to go to this trip. I would rather go to school at that time. But money is also a problem ,my parents tell me they are ok with the cost but why should i go there just to be the only one that isn't enjoying herself. I don't know what to do. help. I'm terrible in talking and making friends :( I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.... (sad) Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
06.12.22: Sadly I can't work this week and next week on my website bcs of school(Ｔ▽Ｔ) I really need to get better in Math... Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
08.12.22: Will school ever give me break!?!?! Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
18.12.22: I can finaly continue my work here (＾▽＾) I will have now time to learn some coding bcs I've got no idea how this works... I've been thinking how to decorated this site but how I said I'VE GOT NO IDEA HOW TO CODE (╥_╥) Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
08.01.23: happy new year!! I spend that night alone hearing music until 12pm. I was sadly sick for a whole week and now I spended my days doing nothing.... tomorrow is school for me and I'm scared i didn't talked to a person for one week straight and I kinda forgot how to use words? School is gonna be so stressful i've got a math exam soon and I'm stressing. But this is how life is.... on christmas I got a cat calender! I went to my local kpop and anime stuff shop and bought a lot from the money i got from my birthdays and so. ok i wrote everything what I wanted to say (even though nobody reads it) Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
21.01.23: SO SORRYY I DIDN'T UPDATED NOTHING ABOUT MY LIFE. Istg school is stressing me out. I was supposed to learn right now for my math exam but I just feel like doing other things. I hope someday i can have time learning coding bcs this website needs a new look. Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
12.02.23: Why am I so bad in updating. I forget to write something here everyday. Anyways I found out that the girls from my class don't like me. Tbh I don't know what to do now. I really like to learn something in school but i hate to wake up i hate being alone at lunch and breaks. I don't speak the whole day in school. I really start to think that my high school years will be hell for me.... I always sit alone nobody wants to go near me. In my old school people told me that I'm scary looking they compared me with awful people, said that i look like a ghost. I don't know what to do man. I've been getting not alot of sleep lately and because of this I keep seeing creatures or humans that aren't actually there. I don't know how I want to continue.... I will continue using this website as my vent. Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
14.02.23: Happy Valentines Day!! Today is valentine I didn't remebered until i saw on my way to school a girl with flowers. Valentines day is not really a special day for me since I don't have friends in school. I don't know. Maybe I will stay forever invisible. Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
13.03.23: Hiii sorry for not writing but so much has been on my mind these days. I can't concentrate at all these days and I've been panicking about it. I can't get homework done.... how am I suppose to do?!?! I was fine this half year and now everything is gone I just really want to cry. What am I suppose to do!?!? I'm so scared failing my classes. I've been so lonley these days. I only missed one day at school and they changed seats now I sit in front of the teacher in a corner. I feel so unconnected. I just feel so down I've got nobody to tell. My physical state is also bad... everyday headaches and i feel so tired and I've been stress eating alot (gaining weight) I feel so lonley I don't want to live anymore. Right now my head is hurting so much and I have to work. If i don't score good I don't know how to keep me alive. The only place I've got to write this is this littel stupid page.... I hope you "guys" are having a nice week Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
28.03.23: Today i wrote my German exam and I fck up. I spend so much time in learning but at the test i forgot everything... I almost cried and i was the last one writing my exam bcs I needed much more time that i thought. Man last week my teacher had praised me for being so good in her class even though i just joined this year. Now she will think bad about me... she is very nice tbh i don't know why my classmates hate her she feels almost like a mother (i don't want to be weird) i sit next to the window and she wanted to open the window and she protected my head by putting her hand on my head. I almost cried... Why am I so weird. I feel so free after the exam but also stressed again. Everything is so scary... I don't want to live... I've got nobody to talk to in school and outside. How long will this last? Have a nice week. Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
15.04.23: Man in two days I've got school again. I was soo HAPPY being here at home these two weeks of vacation :( I got some really cool headphones for my birthday! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I LIKE HEARING TO MUSIC OMG LIKE THESE HEADPHONES WERE THE MISSING PIECE IN MY LIFE!!!! So i spend the whole day hearing music. I had a birthday party... because my parents wanted that i met my (old school) friends for my birthday. I know thats really nice but the thing was me and my "friends" aren't that close... and I basicaly lie around my parents that I'm always chatting with them .... they don't know anything about my life here in the internet lol. One time I met a friend adnd I was kinda exciting so i told my mom but then when I was waiting half a hour outside I called her and she told me she forgot about it... man I was so sad I almost cried public so i went to the nearest public toilet but on the way my I met my mom... so i told her "My friend said we should met somewhere else! I'm on my way there now! Bye!" and ran to the toilet and cried for a hour (that was so embarassing I tried to cry in silence but it hurted so much) So when my "friends" where there they didn't talked and it was just embarassing so i tried to my best to communicate (Ｔ▽Ｔ) They left very early...! At least i got some present! Anyways it was fun spending my time in my room now it's time for me to go to school soon.. I wish "you" guys have next week a nice school week! Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
26.05.23: I'M BACKKK!!! Well I've got holidays for two weeks and I really wanted to learn coding really bad! I wanted maybe to start a new project! You know it's kinda embarassing but my fav character is ritsu sakuma from enstars so thought of.... never mind. Anyways I really want to make this place my personal diary since I find diary entrys on the internet are better than me writing it on some paper but yeah. My life was misable I think I was even worser these weeks but my special interesses makes me happy (i think I wrote interese wrong) I thought about making me some cute keychains! I love keychain I collect cute ones or make it myself! I wanted to make me a special hairclip also! ^^ Just thinking about it makes me SOO HAPPY but.... I will defently will not complete all these things... I always make myself so happy with these thoughts... I just can't make them true....I will defently just destroy my holidays like always... sitting... waiting... waiting.... waiting.... waiting.... staring... rotting... I also want to mention that I totally hate summer sometimes i just wish someone could just st*b the sun HOW LONG DO WE NEED TO LIVE LIKE THISSS Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
30.10.23: Long time no see. Well at least It's autumn and the sun doesn't go on my nerves anymore. Remeber when I talked about the school trip I had to go? The trip was not that bad I was allowed to be with some friends from another class during the trip so I ignored my actual class. A new school year has already started and I still haven't learned to code and my website looks still the same... AY BUT TBH WHERE AM I SUPPOSE TO LEARN HOW TO CODE?!?!?!?! Yeah anyways school life didn't changed I was not able to make friends in my class. But I made a friend with a girl from another class we have almost the same interess in kpop and anime! I always go to her house when we have Chinese class at noon because her house is near the school. We also met and went walking around the city! I have now holidays but I'm so afraid to ask her to meet again (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) I don't know why I always talk like I'm speaking infront of a large audience even tho nobody reads this blog man Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
08.05.2024: Hello Guys. How are ya. It seems like I forgot this webpage and only come back when I have big exams soon. Uhm school situation is the same as ever. I lost some wight tho. I feel like I have developed a bad relationship with food recently. But what other choice did I have? I'm not feeling well tho. German exam is soon and if you know me it's my worst subject. Also my classmates hate me alot. This is so randome lol. I wish I could talk a lil more with passion like in my other blogs. Oh! One good thing no two good things. I have two good things that are my only motivation to stay here in world. In April i met the funniest the nicest online group. I'm so gratefull having them at least in this world. Sometimes tho I feel like I've been obsessing to much on specific persons within it. which is pretty bad bcs I was just recently over with a big obsession on a girl in school. I ended up very hurt. I am trying to be in good terms again but my obsession i had lasted like 1 year. It's silly how after this ended I started a new ob.. I feel so hurt. I love them tho very much. If they weren't there then I would go insane by now. Oh and second is that I have soon holidays after that german exam!! Maybe I will ya Storytime about that girl I used to be obssed with. I will continue to learn ig now. I hope you are ok guys until we see again Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
23.06.2024: It's almost june!! School will be over soon!! I am so stressed about my last exams but I feel like I lost all my energy. Also I might have ruined my new friendship. The only people who made me feel happy these past 3 months.... I think they hate me now. Maybe they don't even want to do anything with me anymore. So basically everything just like turned confusing af. I feel like throwing up. I want to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. They hate me they don't like me. Why does this always have to happen. Why does nobody fucking stay. Why am I such an awefull person. Put I have to get my life together. I went through this already twice I always do something wrong. So basically Friend 1 found out I told someone else some things she only told me. Let me explain. Friend 1 has a big crush on Friend 2. It's obvious af tho she even has adressed it in the gc. Once Friend 1 told me how upset she got when Friend 2 like played with her. Reminder Friend 2 has a pretty flirty personality she could flirt with everyone and yeah. I felt so bad for Friend 1 so I texted Friend 2 and told her how Friend 1 has such a BIG BIG crush on her and that she is so upset and that she shouldn't play with her that much if she doesn't want anything with her. Friend 2 said she already knows that but thought she was joking and was thankfull that I told her that. Since then they were both very close. I sometimes talk with Friend 2 things Friend 1 said like "She got so upset that you didnt wish her goodnight yesterday and felt mad bcs you didn't gave her a goodnight kiss". Well yesterday she somehow found out about it. But before that she added me in another gc with two of our friends she has told about her crush. She was about to tell us new update with her and Friend 2 and then she like said she needed to talk with me privat. I was scared so i said like ok and then she said that she found out that I've been telling some things she told me to 'other person' (she means Friend 2). She told me she lost trust and needed me to kick out of the group. I told her I totally respect that and left the group myself. I think tho I know who snitched on me. I thought that he likes me.... before friend 1 texted me about that i read the old chat. I sae that (lets call him friend 3) Friend 3 has been talking with Friend 2 very active. And I only told Friend 2 these things and I think she told that Friend 3 the things I texted I might sound like victing blaming myself but I told Friend 2 to NOT TELL ANYONE THAT I TOLD HER THAT. Me and her had been texting alot these days I trusted her so much she and me related to each other so much I was like literly catching feelings for her but felt bad bcs Friend 1 likes friend 2. And Friend 2 likes Friend 1. I thought we had something.... but how i see Friend 2 likes Friend 1 and Friend 3 more than me. Friend 3 likes Friend 1 and 2 more than me. And Friend 1 must like the rest of our friendgroup much more than me. I am starting to feel hatred for friend 3. Such a two goodie shoe telling friend 1 these things. He just treasures his friendship with Friend 1 much more than mine and his. I feel so hurt I've been crying since yesterday. The other friend who was in that gc must know about that also now. Friend 4 has been calling me "the most innocent girl in this world" well now I don't think friend 4 sees me anymore like that. I created such a great persona and bcs of this dumb little mistake everything is gone I am stained. They didnt said anything about hating me but I feel like they won't see me anymore like they used to. I felt so happy these past 3 months I was genuely so happy I thought everything was going to be finally better. I feel like back in primary school one mistake and i got left out... why always me? If someone else did that they woudn't be treaten like that.... It's always just me. This is so unfair. I am back in my miserable state i used to be before i met them. Nobody likes me anymore they dont appreciate mine and theirs friendship. I am not special i will never find someone who would find me special their best friend...... I will be inactive for one week on social media. I hate everything I just want to focus on school again like i used to shutting myself from the rest of the world. On top of that my room has been rotting these past days.. I found so many insects these past days. I feel so paranoid and just disgusted I just want to disapear. I dont want to continue. I don't want i can't anymore. I hate feelings I hate having hope I hate people all of them are fake every single one of them. I just want to not be here anymore i won't find friends like them never again. I can't anymore I wanna self harm myslef so bad I don't like this anymore pls pls pls pls pls pls someone someone i don't want to be alone Have a great week guys Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
25.06.2024: Hiii Helloooo! Well its officialy day two since I've been ignoring them. Kinda feel bad but I am just mad. Also I need to study for my math exam and they would be a big distraction so I think this is a good idea. When I am thinking to go back? hm Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.... I have to work on alot of school work and I will just try to finish it all and then come back to them. I also thought about how to explain this bcs I don't want to be seen as the bad one who got mad and left for 4 days. I am going to say that my parents took away my phone so that I could concentrate for my exams. Yeah that's it. I did tho a big Mistake. I was scrolling on "X" and I accidently liked a repost from friend 2. Shit. but. I have another excuse for that. I will tell her if she asks that I tried to connect my "X" on my fathers computer and was very desperate to see new tweets bcs I am so chronically online. I am so good at this guys. I will defently be seen as the bad one here but this confrontation really just was the cherry on the top. I was already doing bad the week ago and this was like my last straw before i broke down. I just need to take a break. I didn't really wanted to leave them. But what's done is done. I'ven been missing so many school days these days. I am literly so mentally tired. It's such a awfull feeling I feel like death inside I can't. I keep falling asleep in school and my classmates be making fun of me for no reason like i am minding my owm business like leave me the fuck alone. It's so awfull all i want is to sleep i want school to end finally i can't anymore I am losing my will to live. I am not at my deepest point tho this is just the beginning a part of it. I've cried so much on that day I made my last diary post here. I can't cry anymore tho. I don't feel nothing anymore. ugh. And I can't use any social media apps bcs otherwise my plan is going to fail. TWO MORE DAYSSS!!!! yeah until then I will be posting diary entrys here bcs I have nobody to tell about this..... Also I will try to make this website a lil prettier and more aesthetic maybe i will let you guys write comments... who knows :P Have a great tuesday guys! Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
27.06.2024; 14.00PM: Ok so I guess It's all over now. The friendship which made me feel alive and happy is over. I don't think they want to be friends anymore. Friend 1 is hurt and now everyone is against me ofc. They stand on Friends 1 side ofc. They love her. She is loved. I was craving so bad for this love for so many times. I am now left with no one just like at the start. Nobody is on my side. I hate this. I hate this so much why does this have to happen to me? Why me? I was so happy I genuinely enjoyed to be in conntact with them everyday. But everything has one end. It was just yesterday. If whoever told Friend 1, about all of this didn't decide to tell her what I did, just yesterday then maybe I would be not alone now. Friend 2 was my best friend I really really cared for her and she was the one who told her a part of it. She now doesn't want to be friends with me anymore bcs Friend 1 is hurt and she likes friend 1 more. Nobody is on my side NOBODY. Maybe my mother was right I don't need any other friends but her. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this. If just the 26.06.2024 never happend everyone would still love a bit. Nothing would have changed. I wanna die so bad rn. I have no friends I have nobody to tell how I lost my best friends. There is no going back anymore everything will stay just a memorie. I did not want this it to end like this. I thought I had finally found some happiness in my live now it's gone. I never want to make friends. Nobody stays with me nobody. I will never find friends like them no more. I am crying like a child. I haven't cried for so long. I cried on sunday but now it's worser. Please don't ever stop caring about you current friendship relationships.... Don't do anything wrong. Chuu
27.06.2024; 20.00PM: Friend 1 doesn't want anything with me anymore. Friend 2 is confused if she wants to be with me anymore since Friend 1 is hurt. Friend 3 has said nothing to the situation. Friend 4 didn't knew the whole story but knows I am a betrayer also confused. They all tho said the same thing "We can be still friends if you want but it won't be the same like it used to be anymore". When i read this I broke down. I wrote them all apologies and said goodbye. I had to leave.... otherwise it would be akward uncomfortable for the other ones. Nothing is going back like it used to be. My head is hurting the whole day. I've been crying since 2PM. Had to calm down and play normal for my parents. I am now waiting for the sun to set down so that I can go to sleep and cry myself to sleep in silent. My eyes hurt my skin got irritated from rubbing these tears out of my face. The whole floor is covered with tissues. In my Goodbye text I confesed to Friend 2 about my feelings. I blocked everyone on Social media. I don't want to be in their way. They should have a nice friendship that last. It was nice knowing them. I am happy to learn about them. We wanted to meet in Italy.... ig it will never happen. I can't stop crying. I got so attached to them. Before that I could never imagined one day without them. I was tho very scared about them leaving me, me being alone again. And it turned to be true. MY HEAD IS KILLING ME IT HURTS IT HURTS. Nobody will be able to replace them. I miss them so much. but they don't miss me. I just want to go to my bed and cry Chuu
16.09.24; 20.01PM: GUYS SO MUCH HAPPEND TF. So basically last post I talked about what happend which made me and laura split right. Ok so after that I still was befriended with Orchid and she stayed with me right. Well during her stay i could say i fell for her. I painted stuff for her and dedicated every art piece to her. I was myself very confused but i knew that i liked her. I found myself happy the whole month of July with Orchid. I was finally happy and i thought everything would stay finally like this. on the 27 of July Laura conntacted me. Laura wanted to be friends again she missed me and was ready to try again. Tbh I missed her too alot during that one month of seperation so ofc i said yes. Later Orchid told me that she was the one who encouraged Laura to text me. Later later i found out Orchid and Laura were finally a thing. They were going out At that moment i actually felt devastered but i still congrated them bcs in the end i care for Orchid alot and she was happy about it :( In the same week i got back in contact with Friend 3 and 4. Evrything was going well. Till the 7.8.... On that day Orchid told me we had to stop texting bcs it hurts Laura and she was still hurt after all. I was confused like why don't u tell me anything? well thast how everything ended and i was about to do stupid things i dont even want to mention. my whole august was literally just me missing Orchid like shit. I tried to make new friends and I did. But still i try to find Orchid in every person I met. I can't get over her and she probably got over me and forgot me and is happy with Laura and with her friends. Everything nice going for her. I still miss her. Ok so i made a friend Ash and she is pretty cool and I found out she sees me like her bestfriend which made me happy bcs after losing so many friends i was already losing hope. Her gf tho kinda finds me creepy and to attached to ash but I ain't. well later in september i made another friend. lets call her Ana well first it was me pushing our friendship but now she sees me like her platonic bsf. She is very nice and sweet and tells me she loves me like everyday. But after all what happend to me this year its kinda hard for me to say ily back. she reminds me a bit like Laura.... but only a bit. She also called me her bsf after just some days meeting. Well i told ana about what happend and she was like "u gotta talk to her or forget her". Well i talked with Laura again for the last time ever. I asked her there how everything happend on that day. she was a bit pissed tbh but i told her to talk like adults so she told me about it. Friend 3 and 4 knew eveything and another friend of urs knew about this too even tho she had nothing to do with this story. Bcs i said these things I shoudn't have Laura and Orchid had first a very hard time in their relationship. I caused Orchid 'jealousy' and yeah. After hearing the story i felt very bad. Why didnt anyone told me about it? Well there is so much more to say about what happend that night but i won't go in detail. I still miss Orchid Well now we are parted ways and tbh I miss Orchid alot I hate this i miss Orchid Ok so thats basically what happend lets goooo i hope u guys have a nice week Chuu (^з^)-☆Chu!!
04.11.2024; 17.38PM: Guys i feel like vomiting so bad i think i am starting to tear up. what basically happend i told yall about ana right well. I did not tell everything. I met ana this september right well its so complicated i dont even know how to describe this but. We are more than just platonic bsf. This girl used to send me for the past 2 months literaly love declarations to me and tell me how much she loved me and how much i mean to her. JUST LIKE THAT. I wont lie but I was just starting to get a crush on her. But it was pretty slow bcs I am was still not over with Orchid and its hard for me to get close with anyone and especially romantically. But she told me once that she does no online dating anymore bcs of what happend with her ex. yeah since then we always promised each other we will meet one day and be together. well on october she went very dry. I was the only one saying goodnight and goodmorning everyday. We had an argument after that and she started to get so aggresive at me I actually started to cry. She was jealous at my friends. thast all i can say. But then we made up. but since some weeks her ex has been trying to get conntact with her again. And some days she just told me that she and her ex made up. Ok now the part which makes me so furious and jealous. It seems like she likes that stupid ex "angel" more than me. First mentioning "angel" on every social media plattform. This morning she showed me her Carrd and she did a collab with that "angel" person and it was cherrycrush themed. This already made me sick to the stomache this morning i coudn't stop thinking about it. And now. I was waiting for her to respond while i was studying and i saw her status just now. It says "No I love u more". its not directed to me. i bet it was to angel bcs yesterday she had angels name on her status and i bet she was texting with him while texting WITH ME. No she once told me that she loved me in such a short time just bcs I gave her the attention she wanted. I feel like a replacement for that angel person. What if i am really just a replacement? One day she will also just stop texting me or have any interactions with me. I hate this i literally feel like i got played on I fucking hate this. Stupid promises she did telling me she only loves me and shit like that. I've been telling myself since this morning that IDGAF but I am starting to feel really hurt I think I am gonna puke for real. I hate this sorry that I just like things to go slower. I need time to catch feelings. I need time. I hate this this hurts me so much but ig now u dont care. since "angel is back now. I am sorry for being so dumb for being so childish. I hate this fr. No no no I dont wanna fall in love again. I will start insolating myself into my studies bcs I think now i get it why i never made online friends till this year. Everyone of u is just fake I wanna disapear. I will never feel teenage love. i dont think so. bcs time is ending soon. Chuu p.s: 18.07PM: Imma fr kill myself now I saw her carrd staus and she updated it to "I love ywkam and angel" no mention of me yeah guys I am offcially done I really am just a replacement since her ex is back now.... I mean who would ever love pathetic me childish dumb me not even orchid wanted me to stay Nobody wants me I am just so unlovable. I think I give up. I dont want to do this anymore no more pls no more no i dont want to pls not i dont wanna go back to the state i used to be some months ago. I dont wanna be sad all day anymore i dont want to end up crying myself to sleep again. NO WHY ARE U DOING THIS TO ME WHAT DID I DESERVE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME ALWAYS I HATE EVERYTHING. WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ME WHAT DID I DO. I HATE BEING NICE. I HATE ALL OF THIS SHIT. I SENSE WHAT WILL COME TO ME SOON. No pls dont leave me pls dont leave me after u made me so attached to u thats so gruel. I was never gruel to u. never